The Relentless Pursuit of "Phil is a Super Guy" (And the Agony of Disapproval)
If there's one thing that can keep me awake at night, it's the thought that someone, somewhere, might not think I'm… well, a great lad.
It sounds a bit ridiculous when I write it down, but the desire for universal approval is a powerful, often crippling, force in my life. I desperately want everyone to see Phil as the funny, caring, helpful bloke next door. The idea of someone disliking me, even a casual acquaintance, can genuinely be quite devastating.
This deep-seated need to be liked often manifests as a chronic case of people-pleasing. I find myself agreeing with much of what people say, even if my internal compass is pointing in a slightly different direction. It's the path of least resistance, the quickest way to (hopefully) secure that nod of approval, that smile that confirms, "Yes, Phil, you're alright." It's a constant, often subconscious, performance aimed at ensuring I don't ruffle any feathers or, heaven forbid, elicit a negative reaction.
Interestingly, there's a flip side to this coin, albeit a less frequent one. If something truly ignites my passion, if it aligns with one of my (sometimes fleetingly intense) interests, then a stubborn streak can emerge. I might find myself putting forward arguments, engaging in discussions, even disagreeing with someone.
But even in these moments of conviction, the underlying fear of disapproval is still there. I’ll carefully frame my points, ensuring they don't come across as aggressive or confrontational, always mindful of that dreaded possibility – that the other person might not like me anymore.
The aftermath of these (relatively rare) moments of disagreement can be surprisingly torturous. I can lie awake in bed, replaying the conversation endlessly, convinced I've somehow offended or upset the other person. The guilt gnaws at me. Should I have said it differently? Did I come across as rude?
The fear of confrontation, often a significant hurdle for people-pleasers, then prevents me from broaching the subject directly. I’ll stew in my anxiety, concocting elaborate scenarios of their potential displeasure, while the other person, who may have simply enjoyed a healthy debate, probably hasn't given it a second thought. For them, a difference of opinion is just a normal part of life.
For me, it can feel like a social catastrophe. It's utterly draining, this constant internal monitoring of how I'm perceived.
This people-pleasing tendency has undoubtedly shaped many of my decisions, both personally and professionally. In the early days of my businesses, it sometimes led to saying "yes" to opportunities that weren't quite right, simply because I didn't want to disappoint someone. It could also manifest in an over-eagerness to please customers, sometimes at the expense of my own time and resources.
Understanding this aspect of my personality, and how it might be intertwined with my ADHD (the heightened sensitivity to social cues, the desire for external validation), is another piece of the puzzle. It's a reminder that while wanting to be liked is a natural human desire, the intensity of this need can sometimes be a hindrance.
Learning to set boundaries, to express my own opinions without the crippling fear of disapproval, and to recognise that not everyone will like me (and that's okay!) is an ongoing process. It's about finding a balance between being a genuinely good person and protecting my own mental well-being from the relentless pursuit of universal approval.
It's a tough one, this, but acknowledging it is the first step towards a slightly less anxiety-ridden existence.
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